What's the deal with Ted?
There's something about the name "Ted" that's always surprising. Maybe it's that Ted is short for Teddy which is short for Theodore, which will never not be a funny name for anything? But some Teds are better than others. Also a lot of them killed people? Hmm.
Buckle Up, We're Ranking the Teds
11. Ted Bundy
If one man could teach a master class on getting a head as a charming but stupid white guy, it's Ted Bundy. The "Brad Leone" of serial killers, Ted Bundy's the lowest on this list considering he has the highest confirmed kill count and did very gross stuff to them. Think of him every time you fake a limp to seem interesting at a dive bar. Did you catch the head joke earlier?
10. TED (the organization)
The year is 2013. The smartest people you know are all sharing TED talks on Facebook. Looking back on it, they weren't that smart. TED talks are the airport books of infotainment – bite-size ideas presented by overconfident Dudes that have failed to actually change anyone's life. Raise your hand if you've had a financial quarter ruined because your boss believed the "time multiplication" TED talk.
9. (Tie) Ted Nugent
The mediocre musician to reactionary conservative pipeline is real, it's dangerous, and it's Ted Nugent. Does anyone actually know a Ted Nugent song? I can only ever remember the one about committing statuatory rape. Huh. Something something conservative family values. Anyway, fuck that guy.
9. (Tie) Ted Kaczynski
The second murderer to make this list, Ted Kaczynski's ranks higher than Ted Bundy by virtue of putting in the work. Firmly a bad guy, Kaczynski served as inspiration for many a Reagan-era eco-terrorism thriller.
7. Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)
Many words have been spilled about why Ted Mosby is the worst. On this list, however, that only gets you to a 7. Ted Mosby is an incel in the How I Met Your Mother reboot that would've been greenlit in 2019 had the finale not tanked so hard.
6. Ted Lasso (Ted Lasso)
Headlining the premiere program for Disney Adults, Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso, is lovable, modest, and extremely divorced. He's worth giving Apple 6 bucks once a year to catch up on the latest season.
5. Ted Crisp (Better Off Ted)
I've never watched Better Off Ted, but it seems OK, so we're putting him at the middle of the pack. If I ever get around to it maybe we'll change the order. A Google search didn't reveal any instances where he killed someone.
4. Ted Kennedy
If we were ranking Kennedys, Ted's might be near the top, even with the Chappaquiddick stuff thrown in. In the Ted rankings, Edward Moore Kennedy gets positive marks for key votes on CHIP, Americans with Disabilities Act, opposing the Iraq war, and Apartheid Sanctions, but loses ground for drafting No Child Left Behind and manslaughter.
3. Ted Turner
What do we make of the person who kick-started the 24-hour news industry? When it comes to his life's work, while Turner Classic Movies was great, I'm not sure we can call the CNN/MSNBC/ABC/Fox News 24-hour news cycle "good" in any sense of the word. But he didn't kill anyone! Right?
2. Ted (from the movie Ted)
Mark Wahlberg was kind of cool for a bit, remember that? Leaning into the comedy classic of "thing for kids swears a bunch," the foul-mouthed Ted as the center of this movie became an icon for the kind of people who buy "adulting"-themed home decor and couplets about Rosé.
1. Ted Danson
Ted Danson doesn't miss. With appearances in Cheers, The Good Place, Three Men and a Baby, Fargo, and disposable police procedurals, Danson brings the charm and the swagger. The whole Whoopi Goldberg affair/blackface saga was weird. He's a legend in Hollywood and we're almost certain hasn't killed anyone, earning him the number one spot in this list.